When I am I lost in my old patterns and beliefs I can easily spiral into negative thinking. For my whole life I have learnt to be on edge, that the world is not safe. That I am not safe. That I need to be ready to fight or flee, but often resulting in debilitating freeze. It has left me exhausted, often shaking as my energy is depleted in even the most banal circumstances.

There is no tiger chasing me, I am safe, but my body, my nervous system hasn’t learnt that it is safe and I was never shown tools to regulate my emotions. As with most children, if I showed an emotional reaction then I would be sent to my room. I learnt that my emotions weren’t ok, that they upset other people, that they were bad.

Being isolated felt like rejection and I was very confused as there was no communication or explanation. I had to figure it out on my own and quickly developed ways to suppress my emotions so I could feel loved and safe.

But now I am learning that no one can make me feel anything. No one has that power over me.

It is easy to get stuck on thinking that if things were different then I would feel ok. If this situation would change, if this person hadn’t said or done that thing, then I would be ok.

But only I have the power over how I feel.

It doesn’t come naturally. It’s a practice. There are healthy tools to learn. It’s easier to build the practice when I am not being triggered. Remembering to do the practice many times a day helps to build it into a useful tool for when I need it.

I can’t change circumstances, people, my body, the world, life… the only thing I can change is how I feel.…I don’t have to be a victim to my thoughts. It sounds so simple and it is, but it can feel insurmountable at the time and the difficulty lies in remembering this power.

I ask myself, how do I want to feel right now, if I had the choice what feeling in my body would I choose?

Peace

I try to conjure what peace feels like. Is there a place I can think of that is peaceful? I imagine the local beach where I always feel at peace. I picture the waves gently lapping onto the sand, the shape of the soft clouds, the colour of the blue sky, the sounds of the ocean, the seagulls, the feeling of the sand between my toes and the sun on my face. I gently breathe in the sea air and remember the feeling of peace in my body.

I watch my partner on couch facebooking and I feel hurt that I am being ignored. I feel shame that I am unwanted and I let that feeling just be there for a moment and ask myself how I would like to feel.

Loved. I choose to feel this instead.

External situations will always trigger an emotional response in me. But if I can remember that I have the power to choose how I feel, then I can shift to that emotion. It’s a practice and a remembering.

It’s the same process for joy. I think of a person, place, animal, tree etc that has helped create a joyful memory. I remember how it felt. I feel it in my body as it gently relaxes, decompresses.